Simply Being: 7 Steps to Letting Yourself Be As You Are
The power of simply being with one another.
The power of simply being with ourselves.
It sounds so, well, simple, but the truth is -- our conditioning in fixing, analyzing, problem-solving, judging, and diagnosing are so much stronger than our natural empathy skills. Because fixing, analyzing, and Getting Somewhere has been praised in our society since time immemorial, and empathy and Just Being With has, for so many of us, felt terrifying - a kind of blind surrender in the face of the wild and woolly emotions that run through our brethren as well as our own bones.
Simply put: it can feel a lot more scary to simply listen and to be with another (and ourselves) than to be in GI Joe action mode, ready to put out fires, solve riddles, and attempt to force order to the chaos that is so much the natural state of things.
At the same time, empathy (or this simple "being with") is - again and again - the medicine we need, the nourishment we crave, the healing balm we didn't know we needed from the moment of our first owie in life to our first heartbreak.
Empathy, simple loving presence and accompaniment, is what heals, what soothes, what guides us back to our innate knowing and gets us back "on track."
In Nonviolent Communication's approach to empathy, we talk a lot about needs -- and how powerful it can be to name and identify them, both in ourselves and in others. Identifying needs is a doorway out of our heads spinning in circles, and a doorway toward slowing in our bodies. It's a doorway out of judgment/alienation/"I'm-alone-and-the-world-sucks"-thinking, and a doorway toward feeling supported, connected, and the possibility of loving companionship within and all around us.
How on earth does this work?
I like to offer folks this simple practice, inspired by Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and it's founder, Marshall Rosenberg.
Notice your reactive self. What is it saying? Allow yourself to “get out the jackals” – judgments, evaluations, uncensored thoughts, etc. There is so much energy and lifeforce in these jackals, not to be dismissed!
Notice the presence of your warm, compassionate self. Note: For many of us, self-empathy feels way too foreign, and it helps to start by invoking the presence of someone in our lives who has offered us warm, compassionate friendship and companionship. See their loving eyes gazing toward you, not pressuring you to change an ounce.
Begin to name the emotions associated with your reactive thoughts. You might offer guesses such as, “Are you feeling _____?” (Sad, scared, lonely – you may refer to this Feelings Inventory).
Let your compassionate self (or person from your life) begin to wonder about the needs that may be connected to these feelings. “I wonder if you’re needing ____?” (Care, safety, friendship, understanding – you may refer to this Needs Inventory).
Affirm the beauty and mattering of your needs. So many of us were taught to override our needs, being told that we were too "needy" or "selfish." This layer of internalized harshness keeps us from connecting with and honoring the life force that expresses itself through our needs. It can help to intentionally counter this conditioning with affirmations such as “I really value ____.” “_____ really matters to me.” “All human beings have a need for ____, and that includes me.” Notice what happens in your body, and breathe.
Notice if any requests arise from a place of connection with your needs. Ask “What would make life more wonderful for me here?” Your request might be of yourself, or of another.
Moving slowly, let your body move naturally into inspired action (if any). And if no requests to move toward a solution arise, that's fine, too. Honor your body's organicity, first and foremost. No urgency.
This is a practice for "simply being" with ourselves. Once we are more fully resourced in this way, it's often a heckuva lot easier to offer the same to another, getting curious, wondering about their feelings, their needs, even if they're acting like an a-hole, even if they themselves are utterly unconscious in the moment to their internal world.
The practice of moving toward What Is in this way, beneath What We Judge and What We Think is a powerful one, allowing us, so often, to settle, to slow, to find rest in our bones and an unclenching of our minds.
I invite you to try on the steps above, and let me know what you discover.
Blessings on your (inward) journey.